Welcome to Kelly Martin's Blog! Here I share my stories from my blessed life as a wife to a super-talented man, Jason, mom to my precious kids, Lucy, Jack, and Connor, and friend to my amazing girlfriends who inspire me every day!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Oh, Sh*t!

Please excuse the profanity, it's just so appropriate -literally and figuratively- I simply can't resist.

I believe this incident warrants further explanation, since so many of my friends are apparently getting a kick out of it! Okay, okay, even I'm able to laugh about it now... :-)

A few months ago we attempted the potty-train-your-child-in-a-weekend approach with Lucy. Well, that's the biggest load of bull I've ever heard, and if you have succeeded in such a thing, please let me know, name your price, and I'll pay you whatever you want to do that with our Lucy! Our awesome pediatrician suggested holding off for a few months, and so we did. Well, last week, I just knew in my bones, "Lucy is SO ready for this now! We're doing to start again this weekend!" Dumb move #1: planning to do this on a weekend Jason was out of town...dumb move #2: having high hopes Lucy would potty train quickly.

(I won't even go into how awful my weekend was and the amount of tears shed by Lucy and myself...Long story short: in three whole days, Lucy peed in the potty one time, the rest of the times were all over herself, and no poops whatsoever...which leads to "the incident" Monday night...)

So, Monday night rolls around and Lucy still hasn't had a bowel movement since Thursday. I suggest to Jason, "You think we should give her a suppository? She's just going to be miserable and I don't want to have an ordeal with her during supper club?" Sure, he says. So, one hour prior to everyone coming over (6 families and their kids), we engage in an all out emotional and physical battle giving her and waiting for the suppository to work. Well, she is able to finally get some out! Phew! That was painful, but okay, we're all GOOD TO GO!

Everyone arrives, kids run outside and play...dads are outside drinking beer, Jason's working the grill cooking my "Blazin' Buttermilk Wings" YUMMY!, moms are inside gabbing away, it's all going great! Fast forward: the kids have eaten and so the parents are getting around to filling our bellies too. Someone knocks on the window from the outside patio to get my attention...I look outside, and my eyes are drawn to our yellow slide, which is now BROWN! "Oh Sh*t!!!!"

To my horror I realize the suppository must not have gotten everything out, for lucy has frozen at the bottom of the slide, where the trail of brown gloppy goo stops. So nasty, I know! I can feel my dinner rumble in my stomach!

I run outside, help her off the slide and begin to pull off her clothes, shooing Toby away who thinks this is the best thing that's ever happened! Mike, unraveling our garden hose, shouts, "You want this?" Sure, why the hell not? "Might want to turn the nozzle to 'shower' instead of 'jet'" Right!

Spray Lucy, who initially thinks this is funny, then falls apart into tears. (I mean , who can blame her, her mother has stripped her down and is HOSING HER OFF in front of all her little friends.) Oh yeah, and I can't forget to mention this...as if things can't get any worse, BUGS LAUNCH A FULL OUT ATTACK ON HER DERRIERE! I'm horrified and holding back tears.

I get it over with, run in to grab a towel, wrap her up, bring her inside, give her a bath, hug her and tell her I'm sorry and that it'll all be okay.

Okay, incident seems to be over. I return to dinner, sit down, contemplate taking a shot of vodka or something to calm my nerves...One of the dads walk in and chuckles, "Um...Toby is eating Lucy's underwear..."

And, oh yes, also during this time, our lovely friends Ashley and Adam -- also our backyard neighbors -- had a front row seat as all this unfolded. They were eating dinner on their patio. Bet that was JUST the ambiance you were looking for! Kate, I hope you were paying attention...that was NOT how this whole potty training thing is supposed to go, just so you know! :-)

A friend on Facebook asked me if I took a picture of the slide...Nope, I won't be scrapbooking this night in any album, but just so you can get an idea of how much poop was smeared down our slide --I'm not talking about mere "skid marks"--no, no, this was a tidal wave courtesy of the suppository, I did create a little image in Paint...

Ah, Lucy...you're one in a million baby girl!


  1. Oh Kelly, even though I was there your depiction of it was SO much better. I was almost in tears for you that night but it IS funny looking back on it!

  2. That is the stinkin' funniest thing I have read in a while!(Pardon my pun!) You are hilarious! That definitely warrants an "oh S**T!". Ahhh....the joys of parenthood! Thanks for sharing:) -Emily F.