Have you ever heard someone remark about how interesting it would be if adults allowed ourselves to be controlled by our emotions like toddlers are? (I know I've remarked to friends during one of Connor's temper tantrums how funny it'd be if adults threw temper tantrums just because we aren't getting what we want.) Well, as I think back on this past week, basically, I've been throwing a temper tantrum, like all week. I mean, you wouldn't have found me lying on the floor, arms and legs flailing about uncontrollably, but I wasn't far from it. My frustration just manifested itself in different ways, with slightly more control than my two-year-old shows, slightly...
My tantrum looked more like this: lots of fussing at the kids, the patience of a gnat, probably lots of eye-rolling and scowling, harsh words for Jason being sure to let him know - numerous times - how frustrated I was that he couldn't complete the simplest of tasks (the problem was not that they weren't being done, they just weren't being done fast enough), and even Bear got put outside more often than usual because he was just one more thing I didn't want to deal with. That's basically it, in a nutshell, I just didn't want to be dealing with the things I usually deal with. And it's not lost on me that these are all things I signed up for; trust me, I realize the stupidity of that. I can't remember a time that I didn't want to be a wife and a mom.
But anyhow, my heart had begun to soften last night, when I finally got over my pride and apologized to Jason for being so difficult and no fun to be around the last few days. (I realized it's a loosing battle trying to be right {"See how hard I have it, see, see, see!!!!"} So let me understand myself, I'm trying to be right about how hard and crappy being a mom can be????; and furthermore, if one can even be "right" in that argument, where in the world does it get me? Is it fun sulking and sludging around in a depressing cloud? Um...no, nor is it what God designed us for and intended for us. Jesus said that He wanted His joy to be ours, that His peace be in our heart.) But, back to when I was finally fed up with behaving like, well, a brat.
And God's timing was impeccable. Impeccable, for today's message at church struck through to the core of my newly-softened heart. It was all about the "fruit of the spirit," and specifically, how to allow the Spirit to inhabit us, which will accomplish a growing within our heart that will naturally produce all these wonderful "fruits." Which would be (as Galatians 5: 22-23 explain): love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
Ouch, the first and last one especially. I've failed at showing much love to anyone in my family this week - I was far too busy putting my best effort into pouting and getting sympathy. And self-control... well, remember my tantrum metaphor? Yeah, no A+ for me in that category.
My spirit was all rotten fruit this week. Bitterness, lackluster, a hurry-up tempo, self-righteous, short-sighted, forceful, and self-serving. Basically, the Enemy's "fruit of the spirit" list. Every last behavior and attitude I exhibited. Ouch.
But, ever thankful and humbled by God's grace, right now, I'm only 5% guilt-ridden but 95% grateful that I serve a Lord who has already paid for my disgraceful ways, and who loves me anyways. So, I'll be tapping into that Spirit I have within me, not allowing the Enemy to control me one more day.
You know, spiritual warfare isn't always found in grandoise examples. Sometimes, we loose battles just going about our mundane, daily business. And I'm thankful that's just where God wants to walk with me. Because clearly, I need Him. Clearly, and this is not a new realization for me, just a reminder I need, I can not do it on my own.
Maybe a better title to this post would be, "How we get here." Whichever, on this Mother's Day, I'm just so glad to be right here...
"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them (evil spirits), because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." - 1 Peter 4:4
"How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 36: 7
And finally, love this one. I don't think a one of us has our eyes open :)
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